The Captain almost died (not really)

Today, March 3rd, in Knoxville was terribly windy. I went outside and noticed the ridge-vent for my house was being torn off by the gusts. I ran to my shed and grabbed some deck screws, my cordless screwdriver, and tool belt. I then grabbed my 40' extension ladder and proceeded to climb onto the roof well-equipped; or so I thought. When I reached the roof, 10.5', I realized the pitch was far too steep for me to walk up and I began to ponder how a professional would do this job. As I was theorizing, the wind whipped up and I felt the ladder "shudder." This was quite unpleasant. I began to think I should just pay someone $50 to do this while simultaneously the ladder begins to "slide" along the gutter. Let us stop for a moment to discuss the physics of this slide. The Captain weighs 160lbs, the ladder weighs probably 100lbs. That downward force will prevent the bottom feet of the ladder from traversing in the same direction as the "slide." Consider also that that downward force decreases geometrically as the 260 aforementioned pounds begin to yaw off of the vertical axis. Once the vertical axis is sufficiently compromised, about 12 inches is my guess, Sir Isaac Newton can then have a heyday as we begin to research terminal velocity from 10.5 feet with a decreasing weight starting at 260lbs. Fortunately, the Captain's cat-like reflexes enabled him to quickly reach the ground on the vertical axis(I did that thing where you put your feet on the rails and slide down). during my slide, I notice my 7 year old has come out to watch and , according to Murphy's law, has decided to put herself in the path of the destruction. She responds to a vocal command immediately while I hit the ground and grab the now 100 pounds yawing heavily to the left at about 60 degrees. I realize quickly I cannot halt the ladder, yet my macho instincts grab the structure with great ferocity. The ladder continues as if I am not present and I feel some "oddities" in my abdomen and "other places."

I will have to see the doctor.