Democratic Presidential Candidates

I have been watching the various Democratic hopefuls position themselves. While this is going on I am sure everyone has been wanting my analysis of these folks.

John Edwards: Top Picture, has actually declared he is running. I watched him on HardBall the other day where he discussed his views on several issues. He sat on the Senate Armed Services and Intelligence Committees and had first hand info to a lot of the information before the Iraq war started.

Strength: John Edwards voted for the Iraq war but he actually makes no excuses and says it
was a bad decision on his part; I admire that. Educated and successful he made his own way in the world albeit as an ambulance chaser. Possibly the prettiest candidate running.


Weakness: His voting record is inconsistent, and he seems to vote party line or popular opinion. His current platform is that GWB sucks, lame.

Bottom Line: I view him as a salesman with little to offer as top Dawg. UPDATE, Mr. Edwards has declared his platform of greatest concern to be Universal health care over balancing the budget. I watched a debate with a liberal, conservative, and an independent and the liberal actually said "People will gladly pay more taxes if they know everyone will receive good health care." Of course everyone else in the room laughed him off the stage. It would be nice if people cared that much, but no one wants higher taxes.

Barack Obama: Bottom Left picture, still debating his run. Senator Obama is by far the largest anomaly on the board.

Strength: Rockstar appeal much needed by his party. He is young and idealistic and not yet immersed in his party's politics. Very young.

Weakness: Very young, no relevant experience in global politics. No experience at all to speak of, he has been a Senator for only two years. I don't know why he is so popular.

Bottom Line: I feel he is popular because he is young and black and these are not reasons anyone should be President. This guy or Joel Osteen may actually be the AntiChrist. UPDATE: Senator Obama has apparently admitted to being a crackhead in his teen years, stay tuned to see ho wplaying the honesty card works our for him.

Hillary Clinton: Bottom Left, still debating her run(yeah right.) Most popular, currently, for the extreme left-wingers.

Strength: Has lived in the White House and knows where all the bathrooms are.

Weakness: Everything. This woman is completely unqualified for the job. I fear Presidential PMS too, I have known a lot of women in my life and it has always played a major part in their lives, rarely is it a positive influence.

Bottom Line: She wouldn't even be considered if her husband hadn't been President. That should be enough right there to SCARE THE CRAP out of people.

John McCain will be the next President based on the current crew.

Christmas Funny

For My Democratic Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . And without regard to the race, creed , color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."

For My Republican Friends:



Merry Christmas , God bless and a Happy New Year

Merry Christmas!

I wish everyone a happy and blessed Christmas season.

If, for some reason, that offends you please find something else to worry about.

Evolution vs Creation

I received this link in an e-mail today. It's a pretty good read if you are curious to hear both sides of "the story."

Rosie vs "The Donald"

Wow, these two are ridiculous! I do have to say that Rosie certainly started it and asked for anything that comes her way now. The View has become the worst show ever with the ladies now only capable of slander and rude commentary against people who do not share their ideals. They have now taken over, from Oprah, as the show I dislike the most. I certainly wish they would use their influence and position to better the world instead of just talking bad about anyone who isn't a raging liberal. to be fair let's sort what was said:

"Left the first wife, had an affair, left the second wife, had an affair. Had kids both times, but he's the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America," O'Donnell said on Wednesday's View. "Donald, sit and spin, my friend."

She went on to discuss the Apprentice star's personal finances, claiming he went bankrupt—an assertion that he denies, as he has never personally filed for bankruptcy.

To clear it up you have affairs BEFORE you leave your wife, otherwise it is just called dating. Not that it's OK to have an affair, but I don't know that he did. Secondly plenty of families in America have "mixed" families by different sets of parents. A lesbian should be the last person complaining about this. Rosie needs a lesson from her accountants on how bankruptcy actually works for the wealthy and their corporations it doesn't mean they have no money and is often used to shelter assets from seizure. Lastly, her biggest mistake was the last sentence in the first paragraph. A personal attack and completely uncalled for. At that point I felt like anything Donald wanted to say was fine. Here are some of his statements:

"You can't make false statements," Trump said, per his publicist. "Rosie will rue the words she said. I'll most likely sue her for making those false statements—and it'll be fun. Rosie's a loser. A real loser. I look forward to taking lots of money from my nice fat little Rosie."

"Rosie O'Donnell is disgusting, both inside and out," he said. "You take a look at her, she's a slob. She talks like a truck driver."

"I loved it, I gloat over it, I think it's wonderful because I like to see bad people fail," he said. "Rosie failed, I'm happy about it."

"I believe Barbara made a terrible mistake putting her on, and I think Barbara's probably paying a big price," he said. "If I were running The View, I'd fire Rosie. I mean, I'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers, I'd say, 'Rosie, you're fired.' "

Everything he said is true, but very mean. They should both can it, Trump before he's more hated and Rosie before he ruins her financially.

The View (stupid)

Joy Behar (pictured) has made a desperate attempt to appear as stupid as her co-host Rosie O'Donnell. You can read this article to see her liken Donald Rumsfeld to Adolf Hitler. Additionally, she goes on to say “I know what this, that party is capable of.” I am not defending Mr. Rumsfeld at all, nor am I defending the Republican party. I really just don't understand the point of view she expressed. This woman has two degrees, B.A. Sociology and M.A English Education, and is quite apparently a mean spirited moron. Certainly people are entitled to disagree but to compare someone to a genocidal madman is really uncalled for. It's also poor to assume that either party, democrat or republican, is wholly good or wholly evil.

Some people cannot see the forest for the trees so to speak.

Odd News

This article is something I cannot understand. The "dude" pictured above has been competing as a woman. I am cool with the fact you can't just look at some people and immediately tell if it's a chick or a dude, people can't help that. What bugs me is that no one in any locker room ever saw the "dude gear" when "she" was dressing or showering or whatever. I think that not only should this athlete be stripped of the medals, he/she should also be converted to the gender they masquerade as. Punishment like that would certainly lessen this occurrence.

Pit Bulls (and the like)

Pictured above from top to bottom are a Presa Canario, American Staffordshire Terrier, and an American Pit Bull Terrier.
First, let me say I do not ascribe to the belief that these dogs are people haters or people eaters or any of the absolutely crazy theories about how violent they are. I COMPLETELY believe they are terrible pets for most folks. Most people buy a dog and want it to just "get it." With a responsible firm owner these dogs can probably be fine, but there are few responsible pet owners out there. Not many people have the time it takes to correctly train a dog, and even more people are unwilling to correct and train a pup because of the overwhelming cuteness. The type of owner needed, especially by these breeds, is the the typical trailer trash, mullet wearing loser who needs to feel tough that you normally see with these animals. The majority of people I see owning these dogs are quite obviously compensating for something by owning a scary looking "fighting dog." These dogs ARE aggressive towards other animals they don't know, and once they decide to be aggressive or defend themselves that is where the problem lies. They do not simply ward off an attack, they finish their opponent completely. The people who love these breeds often say "You are more likely to be bitten by a cocker spaniel than any of these breeds." To which the obvious answer is, it does not matter if a cocker spaniel bites you. It nips your hand and leaves which is no big deal. These dogs tear your hand off or kill whatever provoked them; albeit not as often as the cocker might nip someone.
The real question about their aggressiveness is this Why do we never read about the Labrador, Golden Retriever, Brittany, Weimaraner, or (insert hundreds of breed names here) that mauled or killed someone? Why also are people selling these dogs to people who have no business owning a pet at all?

Advice Column

The Captain has decide to offer an advice column. I want to extend this offer to all of my current readers, and will be peppering it with examples I find on my own. Too many advice columns out there try way too hard to make sure you feel "normal" when you are a total freak who should be medicated.

To get things started I found this:

DEAR ANNIE: I am a 35-year-old woman with four children, an advanced degree and no serious health problems, but I have compulsively and secretly been eating crayons for months. I don't mean chewing on a crayon here and there. I mean eating an entire 64-count box, and doing it several times a week. I can't stop, and I don't know why I'm doing this.
I am too embarrassed to tell my doctor, because I know he'll think I am crazy. The box says the crayons are non-toxic, but I'm really eating a lot of them. And this is a really dumb question, but are they fattening? Why am I doing this? Am I crazy? Please help. -- Crayon Freak
DEAR CRAYON FREAK: WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A 64-COUNT BOX OF CRAYONS, BUT THAT'S THE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES.
You may have pica, a disease that involves eating non-food substances (dirt is the most common). Pica is usually caused by a nutritional deficiency, often iron or zinc, and it can sometimes occur during pregnancy. There is apparently something about the contents or texture of crayons that you crave.
While crayons are considered non-toxic, they are not intended to be eaten, especially in such large quantities.
You are not crazy, but you do need to see your doctor and ask to be tested. Don't wait until you finish the next box.

Now, the actual response should have been:

Dear Crayon Freak:
You picked an excellent name for yourself as you are, indeed, a freak. Please stop stealing your children's things and eating them, it sets a bad example beyond the sheer lunacy. Do not worry about your doctor thinking you are crazy as he/she probably already knows you are a nut. As for the fattening question, simply look in the mirror. If you are getting fat, yes they are; if you were already fat then it doesn't matter. My bet is that you were already fat, which is fine, but don't blame the crayons or sue the company that made them. Please seek help immediately from both mental and physical health professionals as this behavior is crazy.

Sincerely,

Captain Dude


For all your advice needs, e-mail:
captn.dude@gmail.com

Airline Travel part three

Here is the response from airline number 2:

Dear Captain Dude,

RE: Case Number some giant number = lots of complaints

In your recent email, you alerted us to your concerns regarding your
travel to Somewhere on December 6. On behalf of this craphole,
we sincerely regret that you were unable to board Flight POS due to late
check-in and we regret that our ticketing agent incorrectly routed you,
which resulted in several phone calls to fix your ticket. I truly
understand how frustrating this must have been for you.

On-time performance is an important factor when passengers choose an
airline, and We Jackasses dedicates a great deal of time and effort to
ensure we operate as scheduled. To avoid the risk of cancelled seat
assignments or reservations, we recommend to all passengers, traveling
with or without luggage, that they meet the following check-in
guidelines.

- Check in at the Self Service Device (SSD) no later than 30 minutes
prior to the scheduled flight departure time for flights between the 50
United States. Exceptions are:

- Departures from Atlanta, Denver, Los Angeles, Newark, Tampa, and
Washington DC (Dulles) require 45 minutes prior.
- Departures from Las Vegas require 60 minutes prior.
- Check in at the SSD no later than 60 minutes prior to scheduled flight
departure time for International flights including Montreal, Toronto,
and Vancouver.

Because over 80% of our customers check in electronically, we may only
have a limited number of agents on duty for those passengers requiring
assistance at airport check-in. We ask our customers to plan
accordingly.

Nevertheless, we understand that various reasons may prevent passengers
from meeting our check-in guidelines. When this happens we will assist
passengers with rescheduling their travel.

However, there was no excuse for our ticket agent to not route you all
the way to somewhere. While our customer service agents are
responsible for a wide spectrum of information, this data is at their
fingertips, either from a quick call to our help desk or within our
computer database. I am sorry that in this case, our agent did not take
the time to locate the correct information needed to provide appropriate
customer service for you.

This entire matter was unfortunate and I wish there was something I
could say or do to change what occurred. We continually strive to
improve our processes through recurrent training and internal coaching
of our employees. Your concerns have been shared with the Washington DC
Airport Manager so we can improve the quality of our service.

As a customer, Captain Dude, we appreciate you taking the time to write.
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to respond and hope to welcome
you onboard a future flight. Given this privilege, I am confident we
will provide the excellent service you deserve and have every right to
expect.

Sincerely,

Another useless tool!
Customer Care
Craphole Airlines

Thank you so much for nothing, I want my tv.

Airline Travel Part two

So here's the response from Airline number 1:

Dear Captain Dude,

Thank you for your e-mail describing the problem you experienced.

As a goodwill gesture, we will mail a $100.00 Transportation Credit
which may be used toward future Crappy Airline travel and some travel-related
services. Vouchers are valid for one year from the date of issue and may
not be combined. They may be redeemed at any Delta ticketing facility or
authorized travel agency; however, they are not currently redeemable
online. Please refer to the terms and conditions for additional
information.

Again, thank you for writing. Please accept our apology for the
inconvenience you experienced. We look forward to serving you under more
normal conditions.

Sincerely,

I am a complete tool!
Online Customer Support Desk

I changed the names to protect the innocent and completely stupid and bolded all text that I changed. Great they gave me $100 so I can re-experience that hell again, and I can't redeem it online; not to mention that ticket cost about $500. Pretty much they are sending me one of those things car dealers send that looks like a check but is actually less valuable than toilet paper.

I wrote them back and asked for my plasma TV.

Comic Relief 2006

Late last week I saw that Comic Relief 2006 was coming on HBO so I decided to watch and get a laugh. I was amazed that none of these people can tell jokes anymore. All they do is bash the President, and they don't just make fun of his voice or something half comical like that, they are really mean about his character. It was really awful and actually made me want to not donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.
Bill Maher, looking like a circus clown in his bad make-up, rants about how stupid the President is because of Dr. David Hager's appointment on some FDA advisory committee. This man's transgressions apparently taint everyone on Capitol Hill if you believe Maher. Then comes Ray Romano, he was pretty funny and just did a nice normal comedy routine. Then Rosie O'Donnell gets up there and does THE EXACT SAME THING Maher did. She used different words but it was the same boring White House crap. By the way Rosie doesn't want to visit Arizona now because the airports are testing the full body x-ray machines and they violate her privacy. I think that really sucks since most people really want to see Rosie naked. I miss the days when comics could actually tell jokes that were funny, swearing was shock value, and they had to be creative. Now they stand up and just whine. LAME!!

Airline Travel (sucks)

The Captain had to hit the road this week and I thought I would share with you the wonders of modern airline travel.

Initially I was scheduled to fly out of TN on Monday at 0600 go through Cincinnati and end up in Washington DC at 0956 for two days. My phone rang at 0302 on Monday with an automated recording saying that my flight had been moved back one hour, and that I would arrive in DC about 40 minutes later. Great, I hopped back into bed for an extra bit of sleep. 0502 my phone rings again with a recording saying that my flight will be leaving at 0600, OH CRAP!, which is great since I live 30 mins from the airport. I scramble through the shower, get dressed and get to the airport at 0545. The ticket lady was pleasant and called the gate and I made my flight. Wow, I thought, that was ridiculous. I understand the first call, but you can't do that "never mind" or "psyche" crap after you make a decision. ANYWAY!
I spend my two days on-site in DC and prepare to fly to my second stop in Michigan. I am scheduled to leave at 0645 am Wednesday morning from DC. Guess what? My phone rings at 0400, I cannot fly out until 1100 arriving in Michigan at 1645. I called the airline and told them this was not acceptable as I was traveling on business and had appointments to keep. After about 20 minutes they got me on a 0730 on a different airline, arriving in Michigan about 1 hr later than planned. Fortunately I was packed and ready and headed to the airport taking the first metro I could to get there. I arrived at Washington National at about 0645 and went to the main concourse, unable to find the airline I needed to check in. I asked a porter and he said "That's in terminal A." with his best "you are a dumbass" sneer. What the hell is Terminal A? I went outside got on a bus and spent 8 minutes getting to Terminal A. I ran in and tried to check in with the automated thing. The auto check-in said I was within 25 minutes of departure time so please talk to the agent. I asked Lulu, not making that up, for some help. She smiled and began typing on her weird keyboard. TEN MINUTES LATER she hands me a boarding pass for a 0935 flight to Detroit (not my final destination) and said something I did not understand. Lulu's english was very poor. I told her I still had 15 minutes and needed to get on the 0730 flight for which I was booked. She smiled and nodded saying the boarding pass was just to get through security. I have never heard of that but thought great and sprinted down to security. I put my laptop in one separate bin, my shoes in another, my jacket in another, and my toiletries (in their clear Ziploc) in yet another. Stood in the puffer, got wanded, walked through the metal detector and started getting dressed and packed again. I got to the gate at 0720, there was no one in line at security, and saw the plane was already pushed back. I asked the lady at the gate why the plane pushed back early and she said it wasn't early. I asked her what time it was and she said 0720, I said what time is this plane supposed to leave and she said 0730. I informed her that would be known as early. She shrugged and walked away. I called the 1-800 number for the airline and got some dude who informed me that he was an idiot and mostly useless. I got another person who found out that not only had Lulu screwed me over by not knowing our language but she had booked me only to Detroit, and not my final destination. He got everything fixed up for me but never apologized for my inconvenience. I spent the next two hours, no Internet access, calling my boss, client, wife, hotel, and rental car company to update and adjust arrival times.

Beyond the airlines screwing me, the whole security screening process is crap. You can only have tiny little containers of toothpaste, shampoo, and other stuff and they have to be in a Ziploc. We do all of this because we don't want to single out Middle Eastern people as the ONLY PEOPLE who ever hijack airplanes. Stupid!

I am very much looking forward to Friday evenings flight home. I am debating turning my phone off and just showing up at the airport as scheduled. I also purposely did not yet name the Airlines as I plan to make them buy me a nice HDTV to make up for their 100% failure rate this week. If they won't give me the hookup I'll post the names Monday.

Scientology

I have posted on Scientology before but, since it hasn't died out, I felt the need to do it again. Scientology is a crazy cult and it amazes me that people belong to something so amazingly whacked out. The doors of their "Churches" say "By invitation only, that should clue you in right there. Any so called church that doesn't let you walk in and learn is NOT GOOD. Additionally they have levels of membership and keep things from the biggest body of believers. They hide the Xenu alien possession stuff until you are sufficiently invested and can't get out. Xenu took over the planet 75 million years ago, and all non-scientologists are "possessed" by evil alien entities and we need their guidance to get rid of our possessors. When people confront them on their beliefs they get stomped and slandered by this cult. Watch the videos on this site to get an idea of how they treat people.

They believe that you can become a god and do all kinds of crazy crap as long as you give them enough money. Those kinds of things are on their website, and I also encourage you to read what they have to say about themselves. The newest thing is that they appear to be opening up a little and not trying to hide all of their weirdness anymore since so much gets leaked when parishioners DIE or run screaming for their lives. You can click here to read about the E-meter and "auditing sessions", real standard stuff for sure.

I know this is a lot of reading and references, but check it out and see what these yahoos are all about.

Danny DeVito

Mr DeVito decided to show up drunk on The View (crappy show) to promote his Christmas movie. I am getting really tired of the way celebrities act in public. I mean no one is perfect and I don't expect that but really if you are scheduled to promote your new movie that's pretty inexcusable. Along the way he also decided to talk about having sex with his wife(Rhea Perlman), which is a great mental image. He also tossed in the gratuitous celebrity Bush bashing along the way. It almost appeared as if he wanted to see if he could be as big of a loser as Tom Cruise and his Scientology crap.

Speaking of Scientology I will be bashing them in just a few minutes in another post.

Movie Review (The Polar Express)

So, my kids saw this movie with their Grandparents a couple of years ago and I have heard all this great stuff about it ever since. It was on TV last night, so I figured I would check it out. This movie sucked very much bad. The story was just mediocre, but the killer was the very dark creepy animation. The players look like people that have had a layer of animation painted on them. I am also pretty sure Tom Hanks played at least four characters in the movie and, while I am a fan of his, that was too much. I found the sleigh bell and Santa scenes very anti-climatic and really just never connected with the story. To sum up, the story is the typical "get you to believe in Santa" stuff prevalent in almost all Christmas stuff that isn't religious. This is sometimes really good, The Santa Clause, but this time really just creepy.

To sum up, my kids love it and so do their Grandparents so I guess you should take your kids to see it. I hated it.