Advice Column

The Captain has decide to offer an advice column. I want to extend this offer to all of my current readers, and will be peppering it with examples I find on my own. Too many advice columns out there try way too hard to make sure you feel "normal" when you are a total freak who should be medicated.

To get things started I found this:

DEAR ANNIE: I am a 35-year-old woman with four children, an advanced degree and no serious health problems, but I have compulsively and secretly been eating crayons for months. I don't mean chewing on a crayon here and there. I mean eating an entire 64-count box, and doing it several times a week. I can't stop, and I don't know why I'm doing this.
I am too embarrassed to tell my doctor, because I know he'll think I am crazy. The box says the crayons are non-toxic, but I'm really eating a lot of them. And this is a really dumb question, but are they fattening? Why am I doing this? Am I crazy? Please help. -- Crayon Freak
DEAR CRAYON FREAK: WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A 64-COUNT BOX OF CRAYONS, BUT THAT'S THE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES.
You may have pica, a disease that involves eating non-food substances (dirt is the most common). Pica is usually caused by a nutritional deficiency, often iron or zinc, and it can sometimes occur during pregnancy. There is apparently something about the contents or texture of crayons that you crave.
While crayons are considered non-toxic, they are not intended to be eaten, especially in such large quantities.
You are not crazy, but you do need to see your doctor and ask to be tested. Don't wait until you finish the next box.

Now, the actual response should have been:

Dear Crayon Freak:
You picked an excellent name for yourself as you are, indeed, a freak. Please stop stealing your children's things and eating them, it sets a bad example beyond the sheer lunacy. Do not worry about your doctor thinking you are crazy as he/she probably already knows you are a nut. As for the fattening question, simply look in the mirror. If you are getting fat, yes they are; if you were already fat then it doesn't matter. My bet is that you were already fat, which is fine, but don't blame the crayons or sue the company that made them. Please seek help immediately from both mental and physical health professionals as this behavior is crazy.

Sincerely,

Captain Dude


For all your advice needs, e-mail:
captn.dude@gmail.com