R.I.P. 02/05/97 - 03/24/06 (Brooklyn)

My first baby is gone. After nine years Brooklyn had begun to injure herself terribly whenever she was left alone. Attempts to find her a new home were unsuccessful, and even the Weimaraner rescue advised that she be put down. The girls took her to the rescue's veterinarian Friday. I don't think they understand yet that she is really gone, and both of them want to know when we can get another dog.

In more exciting news I got rear-ended right after they dropped the dog off at the vet, and had to leave the band at church for awhile. Last week sucked.

Harry Reid on CNN

How can you be so liberal and so narrow-minded:
This is from Dr. Bill Frist, reading the interview I would have to agree.

"During the course of the interview, Harry Reid said:

1. The wiretapping of Al Qaeda terrorists by the NSA was illegal.
2. That he, as leader of Senate Democrats, would not rule out impeaching President Bush over the wiretapping program.
3. He would seek to filibuster the border security legislation, Secure America’s Borders Act, that I introduced in the Senate last Thursday because it focused only on border security and interior enforcement.
4. He is in favor of “fair track” amnesty for the estimated 11 million illegal aliens.
5. He does not believe in improving the physical security of our borders, because with better interior enforcement of employers, illegal immigration would stop (Harry forgot about the very real possibility of drug runners and terrorists crossing our porous borders…I imagine they wouldn’t be looking for jobs).

Comments like this make very clear what is at stake in November.

Republicans need to rally around the President. We need to support our Senate and House candidates. We need to volunteer on their behalf. We need to walk door to door. We need to write letters to the editor. We need to post messages on popular online bulletin boards. And we need to wake up to the reality of what a Democrat controlled Senate led by Harry Reid would mean for our country.

To read the full text of the Reid interview please click here."

Weird news stories

Check these out:
http://www.cnn.com/US/ too weird.

In other news, I have had to give up a hobby/ministry I really enjoy for a little while. I am just too dang busy these days.

George Clooney (loser)

Sometimes, however rare, actors today tend to think they understand politics or that we care what their opinion is concerning global matters. While I appreciate the talent these people have and enjoy some of the work they do I can't help but marvel at the abject stupidity which plagues certain members of Hollywood's elite. During the introductory monologue by Jon Stewart when hosting the Oscars he joked that "The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner." Let me point out the truth and humor here.

Truth: "The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party."

Humor:"And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner."

That's good stuff that we can all giggle and laugh about. Something not as funny is what someone like George Clooney actually believes. He believes that entertainers, himself included, are some sort of hero or someone to be admired for more than their stagecraft. His acceptance speech was truly ridiculous and quite indicative of several Hollywood attitudes. While it would be admirable if what he said was true, it simply isn't. Some facts about the media and AIDS are readily available for anyone to read. I would have to say that the heroes with regard to AIDS or civil rights or anything else he attempted to take credit for are the people who actually paid the price and fought the fight. Hollywood may later shed some light on the subject from their point of view, and certainly cash in on the ideas or actions of someone else but they never lead the way. Guys like Clooney and Cruise are really starting to polarize Hollywood against what the perceived majority of America tends to believe. The other thing I don't understand is why all of these people (entertainers) are part of the Church of Scientology, is it trendy and cool? Perhaps they get more information than others, it would be worth researching.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Teddy Roosevelt

Ford (Choosing Sides)

So, Ford Motors has decided to actively support and fund some homosexual groups. I think it was probably not very smart to choose sides in this debate, I would take the Disney "gay day" approach. Disney does not support or discourage this event and it isn't sanctioned or funded by them, a bunch of gay people just happen to show up that day and probably shock some unsuspecting kids and families. Choosing sides in this type of situation will most certainly hurt your bottom line, no pun intended. The AFA is already circulating this link in the hopes of getting Ford back on neutral ground. The odd part of this campaign is that no one ever asked Ford to denounce the gay lifestyle, just don't fund it.

Newest NFL shakeup (Edgerrin James)

The Arizona Cardinals signed Mr. James to a four year $30 million contract. The good news for him is he can earn almost half, 14.75, the first year in salary, signing bonus and roster bonus. This is also bad news for Arizona one of the weakest teams I have ever seen and this move will help them very little if they don't grab some more talent. Edgerrin a few years ago probably could have shouldered the team but those days are probably behind him.

Tim McGraw

In typical Hollywood/Entertainer style Tim McGraw and Faith Hill toured the gulf coast area devastated by Katrina and began to harshly criticize the federal government and specifically President Bush. Ironically this comes five days AFTER President Bush made his fifth visit to the area and chastised congress for their slow response. He also asked for 38 billion dollars to be appropriated as quickly as possible to speed up the process. Of course this act doesn't make the news since it wasn't something seemingly evil. Someone needs to get a handle on how much high profile people are allowed to shoot off at the mouth before they apprise themselves fully of a situation. I also think Tim McGraw plans to pursue politics when he quits the music business, nice start buddy.

Fish News

I caught my Jack Dempseys doing their mating dance, check it out. First he flares all of his fins out, he then shakes his entire body back and forth very powerfully. He also seems to start twitching between those other displays.

Dead Fish

I came in this morning to find my fish tank missing one of its residents. I initially thought one of the Jack Dempsey's ate it, but he was on the floor under the tank. The girls had just named him tiger. The Dempseys actually seem happier now and appear to be trying to kill each other. I hear this means they are really fond of their mate.

American Idol (front runner already?)

So, I admit I like watching this show. The first three weeks are hilarious, and the last three are usually pretty stellar. While there have been some funny moments thus far, no one has really been "great". There have been some good singers, all better then me, and some decent performances yet nothing that made people or the judges say wow. Last night that all changed when this happened. Check it out, dude brings it.

Free Agency

There isn't a lot of good that can be said about free agency, eventually it will tear apart your favorite team. The merry-o-round has started and already there appear to be some good free agents available. Mike Anderson, Stephen Davis, and Trevor Pryce are some of the big names that were cut loose yesterday. It does always make for an interesting off-season.

Hockey Fans (Knoxville IceBears)

I took my kids to "family night" last week so they could get enjoy an evening out and see a medium-sized sporting event. I was a little worried since I have always thought hockey fans are pretty rude and really only go to see the fights. I was completely wrong about the fighting, in fact, the family in front of me was so engrossed with the game they completely ignored their two 6 year old girls. The girls tapped me on the knees and legs all night asking questions about this and that, and when they tried to ask their parents to go to the bathroom they had to wait for an intermission. I was right about the rudeness, even on family night when an opposing player was introduced everyone would yell "SUCKS!" after his name was announced; classy. After every goal a rousing rendition of Gary Glitter's rock n' roll part II would kick up only to have a chant kick up at the end that went " We're gonna beat the hell outta you...." That's stuff I guess I just need to expect around something like that but the worst thing was the complete lack of fair play and respect for an opponent. At one point the opposing team clearly scored a goal that was not awarded to them. When the officials reviewed the play and gave them the point the place erupted in profanity and shrieking. That's the worst display of sportsmanship I have ever seen. Yes, you should want to win and compete very hard. No, you should not want to win at the expense of fair play.

Mac OSX (got jacked!)

Hmmm, looks like some hackers are starting to take advantage of the, sometimes, overconfident Mac users out there. I had been wondering how long it would take for people with ill-intent to start going after Apple. FYI every operating system is exactly as secure as the person poking the keys.

Word of the century (so far)

I heard this from a young person the other day and almost died laughing. See also "Foop".
Shart.

Winter Olympics Coverage (sucks)

NBC is really trying hard to cover the Olympics, but can't seem to understand why their ratings are poor. Let me sum up television viewing for all of the networks, as if they give a crap about what I think. When the time difference for the host country is six hours ahead, you face significant challenges because of the Internet. The best way to cmbat this is to have a more flexible schedule. Do not try to save the "high-profile" events too long. For example they are trying to broadcast in our area from 8-12 at night, I can assurethem that only about three people in this country have any desire to watch Ice Dancing during prime time. The events that interest me are sanwiched between the most boring events in the world. I would rather just read the results than try to suffer through curling or some gay ice skater. If they want people to watch they need to get the American athletes to win, and if not win then at least stop acting like some sort of primadonna. They should also show the "more exciting" events as soon as possible to prevent people from dying of boredom during "the crucial third rock" on sheet b of whatever the crap that means.
The other thing to understand is that you can hype an unpopular sport or program all you want, you can show it in everyone's favorite tv watching time, you cannot make it not boring or stupid though. If you show a crappy show/sport thurday at 8 p.m. on thursday, it won't make people watch it. I can't figure out why this is so difficult to understand, T.V. executives are firmly convinced that showing crapola in a hot time slot will boost the ratings. It will, but only because they are hunting for their favorite show which you just stuck at 10 pm on Sunday.
Moving a good show to a crappy time slot can significantly reduce its lifespan. This is because no matter how much you like a sport/show it isn't worth dragging yourself into work late or dead tired just to catch some show. Of course none of this will work if we keep trying to push unpopular ideas, Commander-in-Chief or The Book of Daniel, on people who don't want to watch it. Sure there is a small minority that want to see this stuff, but T.V. just can't be in the business of pleasing the smaller crowd or they will lose all their money.
I will now wait by the phone for the job offers from all the T.V. networks.

Movie Review (Sahara)

This movie also had enormous potential that seemed to be unrealized. The premise was great, and I never really wanted to turn the thing off, but I was also never really engaged in the story. In their defense, moviemakers in the Indiana Jones-style really have a lot to live up to and probably won't ever be able to reach that level. The sidekick charachter in this movie is hilarious, and everyone does a credible job, the story just isn't great.

Movie review (40 yr old Virgin)

Done in the National Lampoon style this movie had enormous potential. This potential was unrealized as the writers seemed to rely on excessive foul language for laughs when it just wasn't needed. Several very funny scenes are interrupted by the F word when it just doesn't work with the situation. There are several hilarious moments, but unfortunately they don't overcome the ridiculous abuse of cuss words. In the end, the guy actually waits until he is married to have sex.

Bryant Gumbel

So I heard a rumor that Bryant Gumbel said he isn't interested in the Winter Olympics because there aren't enough black athletes competing. Interesting that Mr. Gumbel can say that and not be called a racist. Let's try that same statement a different way. "I don't really watch the NBA because there aren't enough white athletes playing." I think my statement would be received differently for some reason. I am pretty sure that Bryant Gumbel rarely says things of this nature, and this type of statement seems out of charachter for him. By the way that's a picture of him with his wife Hilary.

Movie Review (Firewall)

I read somewhere that this movie was boring, Harrison Ford's performance was weak, and it was technically inaccurate. This movie was very entertaining, and the directors and writers did a good job of allowing their main charachter, Ford, to make significant mental leaps that a security analyst would be capable of. Harrison Ford was vintage Jack Ryan which is what some people are knocking, they must have forgotten how well he played that part. This charachter is similiar and Ford did a great job with it.
Now for the nerds thatread this, there are several things that were a little off. In the beginning of the movie as Harrison Ford and one of his employees decide to activeky block a hacker attempting to breach the bank's security. They choose to insert a router ACL instead of using a security device. While this method is effective, no security analyst would place the load on their infrastructure routing mechanism when other means were available. Additionally he uses a ridiculously simple password for home security, and his personal identity was very easily compromised. All screenshots I can recall showed accurate Cisoc IOS and Unix commands, nothing looked fake or Hollywood like Swordfish and other "hacking" movies. Overall I would say this movie is a lot better than most other things that have come out recently.

Al Gore and Hollywood

Al Gore has once again proven he will say whatever seems to make the people in the room happy regardless of the truth. This past Sunday he was addressing a room of people in Saudi Arabia and apologized for all the terrible abuses arabs have suffered since 9/11/01. He stated that arab men were "indiscriminately rounded up" and held in "unforgiveable conditions". This is just not true, and if he had come out from under whatever rock he was hiding under at the time he would have known that. In his defense this may have still benn during his sulking bearded stage after losing the 2000 Presidential election. While I believe people are entitled to their opinion, this anti-american crap is stupid.
Speaking of anti-american, have you seen Billy Zane and Gary Busey's new project Valley of the Wolves Iraq? This movie portrays U.S. Marines actively shooting civilians intentionally, and Gary Busey's Rabbi charachter harvests organs from dead arab children and sells them on the black market. So not only is this anti-american like Munich, Syriana, and most of the asshats in Hollywood, it's anti-semitic. Since it was made in Turkey it isn't getting a lot of press. Yes Turkey, our NATO "ally". This is not the way I like our country portrayed, especially by people who have never served our country and certainly never served during a war.

Mrs. King's Funeral or (The Democratic National Convention?)

I watched the eulogies delivered yesterday for Mrs. King and was shocked at the remarks made by President Carter and Reverand Lowery. What a terrible forum to present your politics and slander a man who was actually in the room. This type of grandstanding is shameless.
President Carter made reference to the Kings being wiretapped many years ago, which was something that should not have happened. Comparing that to what the NSA is currently doing however is ludicrous. Did you know that for the NSA to monitor you under the current conditions that one end of the monitored call must be destined to or originate from a known terrorist country? That's right, calls within the borders of the United States are not monitored. As for Rev. Lowery's ridiculous speech about WMD and the "fact" that they don't exist I guess he hasn't read this. Might make some people question who they call a liar.
I don't agree with everything the President does or says, and sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for him to further alienate some people from his cause. Yesterday's remarks from the left certainly demonstrated that you can further alienate people from your politics with just a few poorly chosen words at exactly the wrong time. The funniest part was President Clinton acting like his wife will be the next President, that just won't happen I've been over that before. It is always best to wait for the correct forum to wage your political wars, yesterday was not it.

Muslim Cartoon

The violence over the "anti-muslim" cartoons is ridiculous. Muslims all over the world continually slander Jews and Christians in their media even portraying them as Nazis. The difference is Jews and Christians don't start rioting and killing people over it. The hypocrisy of these acts is astounding, the majority of these rioters apparently think it's ok to portray jews as child killers as evidenced in the top cartoon, but you can't poke a little fun at Mohammed. I think Mohammed can take it just a bit if his people are willing to dish it out. Here is a pretty decent article. He has several nice Muslim cartoons in there, anyone want to start a riot?

Gangsta Rap (doesn't suck, no)

So the whole persona of rap seems semi-ridiculous, but apparently it has a niche with the ridiculous misspelling of words and mostly terrible lyrics. Recently a co-worker of mine rented a car with a gangsta rap cd stuck in the CD player. We decided to try and identify the artist by the lyrics, they went something like this:

" MotherF***in' n**ga too f***in' hype." " bust a f***in' cap in yo' n**ga a**." " Oh hell yeah, you like it like that."

This was every song on the disc. I stuck the lyrics in Google and apparently these lyrics are actually in several different songs by different artists, it really didn't narrow anything down for me. We did get a good laugh out of the whole experience though.

Movie Review (Crocodile Hunter)

I saw this about three weeks ago on Fox, I believe, during a slow rainy weekend. The movie was pretty funny and as entertaining as the regular show is. I am giving it a negative review because it has been on every weekend for the past three weeks, and it has been on multiple times duruing those weekends. This crappy lazy programming is awful, I mean really they have to have enough movies in the vault to show something different.

Truckers

Let me start by saying I know how much truckers contribute to our infrastructure by performing their jobs. America cannot survive without these men and women.

That said I also think only about 1/3 of them are actually decent drivers. If you ever listen to channel 19 on a CB they are constantly whining about "4 wheelers". That means you and me in our family vehicles. They constantly complain about us being in their way, which is probably valid since most people around me seem to think they are on a Nascar track. The problem I see is when these giant vehicles are flying down the road at around 80 mph on average. This is compounded by the fact that on hilly terrain they can only go 50 uphill and 90-100 downhill. The drivers are also paid by the mile, so the farther they can go and the faster they can get there, the more they get paid. All of this is a recipe for disaster, if you don't believe me just take a trip on an interstate anywhere, if you survive these giant drowsy speed demons you will probably agree. I think they should start paying these guys a regular salary or just by the trip. They currently are required to keep some sort of log, but apparently it's pretty easy to fake it.

Movie review( Underworld Evolution)

I saw Underworld Evolution with some co-workers this past week. If you liked the first one, you should definitely go see it. Like the first movie, the plot is not what's important. The cinematography was not quite as good in this one and the fight scenes were all kind of anticlimatic. Making up for all of that however was Kate Beckinsale looking uber smoking hot in, and sometimes out of, her tight leather outfit. I give it a 2.5 out of five stars.

I am getting old

Last night I was watching Smallville, much like any other thursday, and during this episode there was a pivotal moment where Johnathan Kent dies. My oldest daughter came in and asked what I was watching, I said "This is one of the moments where Clark Kent decides to become Superman." She looked right back and said "Who is Superman?" I realized that if a six year old doesn't know who Superman is I have failed miserably. I will not make the same mistake with my next child. Anyway the show was great and I hope I get to see Superman sometime soon, if not Superman Returns should be out later this year. Did you know that at one point they made Clark/Superman, the son of a cattle farmer, a vegetarian?

Movie statistics

Lately I have been wondering how the "critics" choices of what is a good movie stack up with public opinion. It's so difficult to get an honest story out of the media these days you almost have to do the research yourself. I found a nice little website that seems to offer a pretty good breakdown. It doesn't get real granular with how many screens it was on, but you can get a general idea. It really is a good idea for me to go look and see how well some movies actually perform. It pretty much wasn't a surprise to see what does well and what doesn't.

Feminine ads on TV

Lately it seems that there are way too many feminine ads on tv. Every few minutes I am bombarded with ads about bloating, cramping, odor, bleeding, fungus, itching and general crotch rot. On one hand since I live in a house full of girls right now it should save me from having to explain this junk to my daughters; OTOH it sure ruins whatever snack I just prepared. I wonder if I could lobby to have this stuff played only during Oprah and on Lifetime.

Kudos to the Steelers

The Steelers D really stuck it to Denver, and that's no small task. The offense was great too and really played some very smart football. My Broncos couldn't get it going and the defense just did not execute. Denver's D had several opportunities to change the game and it just didn't happen. I think Jake made one real bad decision, but other than that he just had giant defenders in his pants. I personally would have stuck with the running game just a bit longer, and I would have used the Dayne/Anderson tandem vs Anderson/Bell. The main problem I saw with the Denver defense was that Larry Coyer was playing a very soft zone all day. I also saw that Lycnh, Williams and Foxworth were all limping the entire game. Rumor has it that Wile E. Coyote sprikled some ACME tacks on the home team sidelines. The main reason the offense was ineffective had to do with Gary Kubiak researching a new head coaching job on monster.com from the booth. I hope he does well down in Houston.
Now we just need these Steelers to go into Detroit and stick it to Seattle, I still don't think they are as good as they appear. SA certainly is, but one player can't win you the big one.

Linux Nerds will get this

Golden Globes/American Idol

So how does a movie that barely played in 2005 garner so many award nominations? Bareback Mountain is just getting pushed on its premise by Hollywood and other media outlets, that's ridiculous. I did enjoy watching Clint Eastwood hand out the award, he looked like he was going to puke. I can't blame him, he spent his life making decent cowboy flicks instead of whacked out weird crap. I should see the movie, but the whole humping cowboys thing just doesn't interest me.

American Idol started last night, the first three weeks of that show are perhaps the best entertainment on earth. Watching people who have never listened to their voice recorded is truly a pleasure. People know they sound different on video tape or an answering machine, but they seldom apply it to their singing. Before you audition please record your voice and listen or , for my benefit, don't so I can watch you get jacked on American Idol.

My Bugly friend the VelvetMantis ranted the other day about those stupid discount cards all the grocery stores use. I used to shop at Ingles because they were the last store to adopt them, now everyone has them. Besides tracking exactly what I buy, which seems worthless, what are these stupid plastic pieces of crap? I refuse to carry them with me since I have about 15 of them, and it makes my already overloaded keychain look ridiculous. I keep them on a separte keychain that sits in my truck until needed. The probelm arises when I forget that keychain, or I am in my wife's car. Normally the people at the store are sympathetic and give me the .023% discount I so richly deserve. Last week, for the first time, Food City decided to charge me the full price. It's not really about the money, it's the inconvenience of carrying the stupid things everywhere you go. We have got to organize a resistance to this crap and get rid of them once and for all.

Lastly, speaking of organized crap, the ACLU has decided to sue the President. Even if what he did was wrong I would side with him just becuase they got involved. The ACLU probably had some credibility about a decade ago, but really they are ridiculous now. They need to be stopped and we need to find a group that actually cares about equality, and not just lots of press. The only thing more ridiculous than the ACLU is Hillary Clinton and everyone who thinks she could be the President. There are probably 2 people in the country less qualified than her, and I am one of them. So far, she has won her seat with no competition and done nothing except talk badly about the white house or the opposing party. This does not impress me, stop telling me what everyone else is doing wrong and give me a plan that says how to do it the right way.

NFL Playoffs

The playoffs went exactly the way I had hoped. Denver is now the odds on favorite to win SuperBowl XL. Even though I am a loyal Denver fan, I must admit I wouldn't mind seeing Jerome Bettis win in his hometown of Detroit. Even with all of the mistakes on Saturday, I still think Tom Brady is as cool as Joe Montana and probably the best QB in the NFL.

I am positive that either AFC team can beat either NFC team, and Denver having homefield gives them the edge. The other thing that gives them the edge is that monster shot big Ben took to his right tricep on Sunday. Their offense is firing on all cylinders but seems to wear down quickly over the course of the game, even with the now typical running back rotation.

Once again Peyton Manning displayed his inability to win the big game. I think that guy is an offensive genius and knows more about football than most coaches, but for some reason when the game is on his shoulders he cannot handle the pressure. Starting to point fingers at offensive lineman is a fantastic way to get your bell rung by some pass rushers.

Chicago rested their hopes squarely on Rex Grossman which is completely unfair to that young man and even more absurd based on the history of Spurrier-coached quarterbacks in the NFL. He's talented but certainly not capable of carrying a team.

Carolina looks amazing, and if they can shut down the best player in the NFL, Shaun Alexander, they will beat Seattle. Carolina is a complimentary group of guys that play well as a team, and Seattle needs Alexander to beat them. Even with Mr. Underrated, DeShaun Foster, gone with a broken ankle they can take Seattle. They have Nick Goings one of the biggest white boys in football as their reserve RB.

I pick Denver vs Carolina in the SuperBowl with Denver winning by less than 10.
Check my Yahoo 360 blog for this weekend's movie review.

Celebrity/World news

Some celeb headlines for today:
Chesney, Zellweger Remain 'Friends'

Gwyneth Paltrow Confirms Pregnancy

NEW YORK (AP) -- Brad Pitt did not call Jennifer Aniston to tell her about girlfriend Angelina Jolie's pregnancy announcement, entertainment TV show "Extra" reported Thursday.

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Former "Baywatch" star David Hasselhoff filed for divorce Thursday from actress Pamela Bach, his wife of 16 years.

MOUNT CLEMENS, Michigan (AP) -- Slim Shady and his ex are going to get married again.

I can't imagine how this garbage is news. Possibly eight people actually give a crap about this stuff outside of the entertainment world.

More fantsatic headlines as of late:

(CNN) -- Tehran is threatening to block inspections of its nuclear sites if a dispute over its atomic activity is sent to the U.N. Security Council.

TEHRAN, Iran (CNN) -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has described the Holocaust as "a myth" and suggested that Israel be moved to Europe, the United States, Canada or Alaska.

This is Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I am pretty sure he wants the world to try and kill him. I cannot figure out what is wrong with this guy.

Why can't people drive?

I don't like the language in this, but I totally agree wiht this guy. I am tired of all the NASCAR wannabe types, cell phone idiots and speeders. Those laws are there for a reason quit honking at me and passing when you shouldn't. Overly agressive idiots:

Stop driving like a maniac. Nobody is impressed.

"Too many people think they're good drivers because they drive like lunatics and usually get away with it. They take corners too fast, tailgate for no reason, accelerate all over the place, and do every other "daring" stunt that drivers can make. When I say, "Dude, slow the hell down." They condescendingly reply, "Haha, are you scared, man? Haha. Naw man, don't be scared, I'm a good driver." No. Shut up. You're not a "good driver." You have no idea what you're doing. A good driver doesn't make me grab the Oh Crap! bar every twenty seconds. Just chill the hell out. We're not in a rush. Slow down and realize that old ladies crossing roads have relatives that care about them.

There are two types of good drivers - people who understand that they are not exempt from traffic laws, and people that actually know what they're doing behind a wheel, which nobody does. They think they do, but they don't. It's gotten to the point where everyone who can floor the gas and stay between the two lines is a NASCAR racer. There is actually a skill to driving, and it's beyond cramming your foot into the pedal. Nobody is impressed that you can floor the gas. It's really not that hard to do.

The "floor the gas" trick is a pretty easy one to pull off. Another trick that's equal in difficulty is called "roll over and play dead." It looks something like this:

I've been in two major accidents in my life. Both were caused by adolescent females trying to be hardcore just so they could get me in the sack. Instead, everyone ended up in a hospital bed, which doesn't work too well for sex. Lucky for them, I'm immortal. I hate people. After those two wrecks, I've learned my lesson. Now I just don't drive with girls. However, there was this one time I was driving on the highway with a girl who was talking on her cellphone with one hand, leaning on the other, and steering with her leg. That pissed me off so much, I jerked the wheel, pressed the seat eject button, and launched out of the car in time to watch that robot from the ski game gobble her up before the car ran off the road at 80mph and exploded into dust. Fuckin' robot, always counting all my coup.

The most common thing people tell me when I call them a bad driver is, "I'm a good driver, I've never been in a wreck!" It doesn't matter if you've never caused an accident. Dying in an car wreck is not a chronic, progressive disease. It's not like 5 wrecks give you a headache and 20 wrecks kills you. It only takes one accident to kill everyone in the car. So what if you've been driving for 2 years or 10 years, that wreck is coming, and when it does, nobody will have sympathy or attend your funeral. They will simply say, "That idiot had it coming."

Does being a safe driver make a person a wuss? I don't know. Maybe. But before making a character judgement about someone because of their conservative driving habits, let's put things into perspective:

Deaths by Firearms in US 1990 2,406 1991 1,441 1992 1,409 1993 1,441 1994 1,356 1995 1,224 1996 1,134 1997 981 1998 866 1999 824 2000 776 2001 800 2002 820 2003 912

Deaths by Terrorism in US 1990 0 1991 0 1992 0 1993 6 1994 0 1995 168 1996 0 1997 0 1998 0 1999 0 2000 0 2001 2,801 2002 0 2003 0

Americans who died in car wrecks 1990 46,814 1991 43,536 1992 40,982 1993 41,893 1994 42,524 1995 43,363 1996 43,649 1997 43,458 1998 43,501 1999 42,401 2000 43,354 2001 43,700 2002 44,000 2003 45,320

Tailgating is the worst. If there is a car in front of you that you cannot pass, tailgating it won't get you to your destination any quicker. Tailgating would be okay if it were possible for cars to diffuse through eachother. Unfortunately, God has left osmosis to amoebas and what not. Amoebas are sweet. I can't wait to become an amoeba."

Movie Reviews

I have decided to review a few movies I have seen recently and even some I haven't. If my rating scale confuses you please stop breathing.
I have seen:
Snow Dogs: sucks, maybe little kids would like it.
Chicken Little: see above
Master and Commander: does not suck, Russell Crowe still sucks.
The Man in the Iron Mask: does not suck, Leonardo DiCaprio still sucks.
Red Planet: does not suck, decent movie.

I haven't seen:
The Book of Daniel(tv): sucks, no one has that many problems.
Brokeback (bareback) Mountain: completely sucks, the premise alienates me.
The Chronicles of Narnia: won't suck
Transporter 2: won't suck

Trusty sidekick problem resolved

I have needed a sidekick in my quest to vanquish evil and find the remote control for some time now. After interviewing several candidates and making no headway I decided to create my own. In June I will be a father for the third time, only this time there won't be a sweet pretty little girl joining us, it's a boy! He should be able to help hold the couch on the floor during football season in the years to come.

Be safe in 2006

It's been a rough few weeks of vacationing and time off. I am still faced with the challenge of observing several college football games but I will prevail. My rigorous training regimen of snack foods and long periods of sitting on multiple types of couches and chairs is paying off during the playoff/bowl season. Please do not attempt this type of behavior without first consulting your physician, I am a trained superhero.

That said it was good to return to the world of work and once again don my disguise as a computer nerd struggling to survive in his field. It is here that I find my most rewarding roles and challenges. Perhaps later this week I will begin hunting those elusive after Christmas bargains. They are sneaky, but they are out there.